


Kiss and Tell

by TheGiantSquid



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-13
Updated: 2006-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-26 07:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10782312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGiantSquid/pseuds/TheGiantSquid
Summary: Sirius Black learns some very interesting information about a one Remus Lupin. Hilarity ensues!





	Kiss and Tell

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: Written entirely in dialogue for javajunkie13 on livejournal.  


* * *

**** Kiss and Tell  


“Look at them, it’s disgusting!”

“Padfoot...”

“Look—look! He just swallowed her tongue, did you see that? Did’ja?”

“Sirius, it is physically impossible to swallow another human being’s tongue...”

“He did it again!”

“Oh dear God, how is that _possible?_ ”

“Oh James...Why, why, why? It just had to be Evans, didn’t it?”

“Well...at least we won’t have to listen to Prongs moan about her any more—Oh bollocks, pretend I didn’t say that—stop laughing, Padfoot!”

“I—I can’t help it! You know all Prongsie does is _moan_ about Evans, eh? Eh? Get it? D’you get it, Moony?”

“ _Yes_ , I get it, Sirius, now shut up!”

“Aw, Moony, c’mon, I was only teasing. ‘Sides, s’not like every bloke doesn’t do it, anyway. Are you blushing?”

“No, I am not—”

“You are! You are blushing! So, mate, who do _you_ think about, eh?”

“Padfoot, your breath smells awful, like dog. Please get out of my face.”

“I know! That bird, er...Maybelle, no—Marci, no...Angela! I bet you’re thinkin’ ‘bout her when you—”

“Sirius Black, I swear, if you say one more word about—about _that,_ I am going to hit you with this transfigured fish.”

“Not Angela, then? Hmm...Oh God! Look! I wonder if Evans even has any tonsils left?”

“Sirius, that’s disgusting. Weren’t you just complaining a minute ago about their displays?”

“So? Y’gotta admit, you can learn a thing or two from them. I wonder where Evans learned to kiss like that...”

“...Er.”

“Moony?”

“I don’t know!”

“Shh! Be quiet, you idiot! Are you _blushing?_ ”

“NO!”

“SHH! You are! Evans learned from you, didn’t she?”

“Padfoot, _be quiet!_ ”

“Oh, sweet Merlin!”

“Stop laughing!”

“When? When did this happen?”

“Fifth year, now _shut it!_ And you’ve got to promise never to tell James. I’d like to live to see eighteen, thank you very much.”

“Oh, this is just too good to be true. And here we thought you were the innocent of the four of us! Aw, don’t bury your head in your hands, Moony. All right, I promise, I won’t tell another soul.”

“Thank you...”

“So who else have you kissed?”

“Sirius!”

“I’m serious! Oh...hahaha, d’you get it? Sirius, serious?”

“Yes, Padfoot, that’s so funny, especially after the millionth time. It’s as if that pun never gets old.”

“Prat.”

“Idiot.”

“Wolf.”

“Flea-bitten scoundrel.”

“You suck at insults.”

“Bugger off.”

“Oi! No thanks, Moony, heh heh.”

“Oh, good God.”

“Anyway, who else have y’kissed?”

“Padfoot! M’not telling.”

“Aww, c’mon, mate. I promise I won’t tell anyone...Ah, don’t frown, Moony. Come on, it’s your ole pal, Padfoot! You can tell me.”

“Fine...jobegle.”

“Eh?”

“...Joe Beagle...Sirius?”

“He’s a bloke.”

“Er. Uh. Yeah.”

“But—I mean—Evans—”

“I, uh...Like ‘em both.”

“You like blokes... _and_ birds? Stop wringing your hands, I’m not gonna run away from you.”

“I—Yeah. Yeah. I like—Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“You—y’don’t hate me, d’you?”

“No! Of course not. Why would I?”

“You know...’cause I’m a—a shirtlifter, a poof, a—”

“I don’t care, Remus.”

“Oh. Oh. Well. That’s. Okay. You all right? You keep shifting around...”

“M’fine...Um. Hey, Moony?”

“Mmm?”

“What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?”

“Kissing...a bloke, I mean.”

“Oh. Oh, uh. Um...well. Er. It’s kinda like kissing a girl, ‘cept not. Like. Harder, maybe, and drier...more intense, sorta.”

“Oh...is it better?”

“Better?”

“Than kissing a bird.”

“It...depends. I mean, I like both, yeah? But, you know, you probably wouldn’t like it, y’know, because you like girls an’ all, you know?”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe...maybe I would like it, yeah? If—if the proper person showed me...”

“Huh?”

“Articulate as always, Moony...Stop biting your lip, it’s distracting...”

“Sorry...But—but what did you mean. Proper person...showed...you...What? Why do you keep staring at me?”

“Wanna show me, Remus?”

“WHAT?”

“Shhh!—No, no, Prongsie, we’re fine over here! Moony just caught sight of a spider or something and freaked. Go back to sucking out Evans’s tongue...there’s a good lad.”

“Padfoot! _What are you talking about?_ ”

“Well...I want to know what it’s like kissing a bloke, and you’re a bloke—”

“How observant—”

“—and I figured you could show me, yeah? C’mon, whaddya say?”

“Padfoot...It’s probably not a very good idea...”

“Why not?”

“I—You—fish.”

“Fish?”

“I’ve no idea what I’m saying.”

“Evidently...Please, Moony?”

“Padfoot, I dunno—Mmmpf! Sirius—! Sirius...ohhh...mmm...”

“...Wow...wow. Does it—does it always feel like that?”

“I...no. Wow...”

“Wanna do it some more? You know, for purely practical reasons.”

“Sure. Yes. Definitely. But—ah—maybe we should...move...somewhere, you know, so that—I’m a prefect, should set an example—”

“Our room, then?”

“Yes, yes, good. Let’s go.”

“Excellent. ‘Night, Prongs! Evans!”

“Where are you two goin’?”

“Moony and I are going to bed—SEPARATELY! Yes, hahaha, we’re just—tired! And—sleep! In separate beds! Not together!”

“Oh. Well, ‘night then....mmpf.”

“Yeah. Ah. ‘Night. Ready, Moony?”

“Absolutely.”

“This is gonna be fun.”

The End of the Beginning of the End


End file.
